Fear and (self) Loathing

When Hunter S Thompson penned Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas its safe to say that he didn’t expect a girl about to set out on a rather long walk to find solace in a title or a quote. But here I am and here it is.

“Anything that gets your blood racing is probably worth doing” – Hunter S. Thompson

This is probably not the most likely writing of someone who is about to embark on a journey or a grand adventure. Perhaps one should be quoting Muir, Scott or Hahn speaking of wonder and excitement. But today I quote a book based on chaos and turmoil. Apt I think for how I am feeling.  I am fearful and I am aware of my self-loathing. Not quite as prolific as Thompson’s title.  But it is my truth and this truth is part of my journey. And quite frankly this adventure already has my blood racing and I’m not there yet. 

As I contemplate the start of that next great adventure I become more aware that the challenge probably isn’t the fact that I’ve 870 miles to walk but more that I’ve got to motivate myself to get up everyday on my own and do it. No steam other than my own. No motivator other than myself and this is terrifying. It is not only the fear of failure that terrifies me so but the fact that I will have to spend 60 hideously long days launching one foot in front of the other in my own company. 

My own company. This is what I am dreading, as a hopeless extrovert I crave the attention from those around me and draw my strength from the praise and reward given by others. Something I’m not going to have for those tortuous days as I wander round wales by myself. Instead at the age of 27 I am going to have to learn to like myself. Presently this seems like the most gargantuan task I’m going to undertake. 

I am ever more aware of the flaws I posses. When I looked in the mirror this evening all I saw were my flaws. When I analyse my day I pick apart the mistakes I’ve made. When I think of the decision I’ve made I never feel good enough. Right now I’m not feeling ready for this adventure, not good enough nor brave enough. Though I’m not sure I’ve ever felt good enough for anything.  I’m not sure I’m ready to be stuck in the company of myself inside my own head picking apart my own psyche. But one thing is for certain it’s definitely going to be good for me. 

Recently I’ve begun to learn that it’s ok to make mistakes and that I can except my own. I can’t control every aspect of my life. And actual I’m an pretty alright human. But, always there is the niggling doubt that the world is judging me and I’m just not good enough. Except this time it isn’t and I am. And as long as I keep telling myself that I’m fairly sure it might just come true. As I embark on this journey the time to reflect and the time to learn who I really am and what I really want from this existence is going to be the most valuable part of the whole saga. The walk may be the challenge but it won’t be my only journey. 

So there it is I am just a girl. A small cog in this intricate mechanism of our world. Terrified and loathing but looking for change. 

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